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| I have my one and only final exam tomorrow (the rest are papers), so logically I spent the better part of today reading articles and watching video clips about Cho Seung-Hui and the Virginia Tech Massacre. And I have a shitload of things to say. Also don't let the anticipated length of this blog intimidate you from continuing reading.
First of all, I find it amazing that, as a nation, we can be so preoccupied with domestic affairs. It is undeniable that what happened on the Virginia Tech campus is tragic. Thirty-two people died, and that is something that should be remembered and mourned. But how many innocent victims are killed in suicide bombings, or otherwise, caught in the midst of genocidal sectarian violence, worldwide? Daily?
But I also take shame in the fact that I, too, almost unconsciously absorb the statistics, and then voraciously dig for information regarding a school shooting in America, for hours on end. On the one hand, it's understandable. When purported casualties are given on a daily basis, as a result of a salient ongoing global crisis, it almost becomes (and I hate to say this) expected. And then of course, consequent of this expectation, people become desensitized to the issue, and their attention is easily diverted and sadistically captivated by a tragedy that was, before its occurence, inconceivable. Another compelling variable is that this massacre was perpetrated here in America, which means two things to the people of America: 1.) Our taken-for-granted security, at least within this geographical and socially/culturally modernized locale, is threatened. 2.) Americans are "people" and America is a place where primitive behavior does not exist, whereas Iraqis are "nameless, faceless masses" and the "Middle-East" is a place where violence is an inherent part of the culture (the same general apathy applies to Rwanda, Sudan, etc. Which all breed an entirely new debate, not to be addressed now). So, on the other hand, these are clearly far from being permissible excuses. It's just too bad that Cho Seung-Hui had to be the one to draw attention to the irony.
My next grievance (to use the Virginia Tech Massacre rhetoric) concerns the tragedy itself. I would like to begin by saying: I don't expect everyone or anyone to agree with me, and, since Marjorie is the only one who reads this, and I am fully confident in her intelligence and understanding of democracy, whereby if she does not agree with me we can peacefully engage in a passionate debate, I will continue with my own opinions on the Massacre and the subsequent reactions. I have no objection to memorializing those who were killed. I think it is necessary to show respect to the victims and their loved ones, whether in the form of candlelight vigils, memorial funds, moments of silence, hell- even commemorative facebook groups, etc. What pisses me off are the facebook groups entitled shit like, "Stop school shootings." Now I tread carefully and say that this explanation probably should have preceded my last comment, but before you call school authorities, hear me out. Of course, any sort of violence that results in grief and/or hysteria should cease and desist. But, first of all, that's not realistic. Call me a pessimist, an asshole, whatever, but it's just fucking not. It's something that should be acknowledged, just as little girls (and boys) will cry themselves to sleep after finding out that instead of going out to fight crime to purvey world peace, "Miss America" is going out back to get shot up with botox, heroin if she's lucky. Asshole aside, I call myself a realist, but one who also has hopes for the future. I think it is feasible that one day we can live in a world where domestic and international disputes and misunderstandings are handled diplomatically; where the political and economic hierarchies are instead negotiated into an equal redistribution of power over, shit, why not, the GLOBAL STATE. I think it's possible that terrorism can become a nightmare of the past and we can globally unite to understand the unknown and unchartered territory OUTSIDE planet earth. And I believe all this can be done by embracing differences and diversity, and while NEVER blindly discarding your own convictions, conceding someone else's view of the world, RESPECTING and being open-minded to someone else's practices, values, and individuality. But I also should have prefaced this optimism with my characteristic cynicism by saying that, as relations and policies currently stand, we are not headed for this near-utopian society, in fact more headed towards the explosion of the world... which, anyway, all brings me back to Cho Seung-Hui. In no way am I condoning or defending his actions, but before judging him for what he did, consider those who did it to him, first. I watched some of the video footage he submitted to NBC, and if you don't want to go watch it yourself, believe me when I say, he was not simply some "sick" crazed kid. He felt like he had been pushed to his limit, and this option for him was really a last resort. Now, hopefully we cannot relate to his level of resentment towards society, but I'm sure everyone has, at one point in his/her life, felt the same sort of pushed-to-the-limit desperation. The way he handled his hatred is condemnable, but so too are the words and/or actions that incited his contempt and hopeless view of life. What I'm trying to say is, when is the fucking cycle going to stop? Let's take some responsiblity, instead of watching in horror as another socially outcast kid can think of no other way to deal with his/her disgust with those who have outcast him/her in the first place. I mean think about it, how fucking cruel kids, and even some developmentally handicapped adults, can be. And it all comes back to the hierarchy, in this case on a more microcosmic level. If you want to see school shootings end, don't waste your time blaming the shooter and making a facebook group expressing your disapproval. Instead, STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE! STOP TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR BACKS! STOP EXCLUDING PEOPLE! STOP BEING IGNORANT AND OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES AND MIND! What good does it do to assign blame, or call the killer (who, might I remind, KILLED HIMSELF, too) inhumane and "sick." If you want a solution, attack this shit at the roots. Expand, if not break down, social barriers. Reach out to those people who are too shy, or lack the confidence, to participate in social environments. And if they resist, fine, let them be, but don't fucking laugh at them, or make them feel inferior, because I can guarantee you, no matter who the fuck you are, the person you're belittling is bigger than you. Just like in most things, prevention is better than treatment.
If this rant sounded accusatory, I apologize. I speak generally, although no one is exempt from this standard.
And as a final solution, let's work for world peace.
EDIT: After actually reading the message on the particular facebook group that inspired parts of this blog, I realize that I have similar things to say, and I completely omitted the relevant issue of gun control (my views in summation: ban all guns). So, my apologies to the creators of that group. But regardless, stop the hate.
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| It's weird. I never really considered myself to be a person who likes writing, or reading, or being literate. And I still hate reading, and am not literate... but writing? I can tolerate it, if not downright sing in glee while doing it. I'm not trying to sound cocky, either. I mean, I am nowhere close to being an author (in any sense of the word), but as long as I make a few people laugh with my musings, then maybe I can die happily alone with "Felix," the prototype lover.
... ? Enough of that bullshit.
So, the topic of today's lecture, I think, should be college. We've been in it now for, what, almost a year? How much has it changed us? I speak utterly and desperately alone when I say, in terms of my environment and the conditions in which I'm living... it's the exact same as the last almost-ninteen years of my life. I guess the only difference would be that I now have to sleep sitting up in my crib. So, physically and habitually speaking, I've been handicapped for quite some time now. But in terms of what's going on in my (lack of) brain?... I think college has changed my entire perception of the world, people, interaction between people, friends, strangers, life, love, flowers, ponies, rainbows, I know, I know. Save it for my anniversary card to "Felix." I don't know, I can't really put my finger on it, but it's altered my way of seeing myself, in the very least. But don't get me wrong, some aspects of me will never change. For instance, I'll always be the sinning, sarcastic son-of-a-bitch you all know and hate. I'll never like southern people and their cowboy hospitality (not that I slam the door in grandma's face, but there's just something about the way that southerners do it that's so... traditionally unwilling to even ACKNOWLEDGE progressive gender roles, grandma's toned biceps, etc.). I'll always be lazy. I'll always feel like Ann Arbor is too damn small (even when I'm eating my Sam's Club cake, on my 60th birthday, in my childhood bedroom that I'll then be paying rent for). I'll always value my family, but cherish my little sister at the top of the heap. But for the remaining pieces, it's really up for grabs. And it kind of... makes me brown my trousers a little bit. Of course there are things about myself that I wish I could change, that I hate, etc. In fact, sometimes those things did, and still do, get me down. Never really to the point where I'm running as fast as my thunder thighs can carry me, towards the nearest open window, but to the point where I'm dangling my thunder thighs over the ledge, sometimes even wishing that a light tornado would knock me over. For those of you who know me, I give you credit for dismissing this suicide note as my raw humor. For those who are just now tuning in, I'm not going to kill myself. Morbidity is just one of my character flaws... So where was I before I went off on that tangent about how I'm overdosing on advil at this very moment (tough crowd)... right. So, yeah, there are things that I don't like about myself. BUT the person that these last eighteen years have molded me into, I'm not too disappointed with. Really, other than my physical appearance, I'm pretty satisfied. And as for my physical appearance, it's nothing that can't be fixed with an array of eating disorders and a few gos under the cutting block. I guess what I'm trying to say is that college, or more accurately, the experiences I have been introduced to in college, have really opened up my eyes. Which is a good thing. HOWEVER the positive consequences are closely followed, if not led by, the negative consequences. My personality, for instance, has changed, maybe. And again, I'm not tooting my own horn here, saying that I had the most outstanding personality before, but I liked it, and considered it to be my defining attribute. Now, I don't know. It's just... I have no idea. What do you, imaginary reader, think? Has this xanga entry reached an all-time, cynical bastard low? Or am I still the same critic with just the slightest inflection of optimism. For those who agree with the second statement, say "I." For those who agree with the first one, say " ." Maybe I'm overanalyzing, overreacting, overeverything. I think, actually, there have been times past that I've felt similar sentiments. This seasonal depression tends to hit right after I tell a joke followed by dead silence.
I hope to, one of these days, write about something that is not so self-absorbed; something that acknowledges the world outside of my head. So bear with me for the next eighty years, or so. Although, maybe I earned a few humanitarian points back by alluding to the status of the "old and decrepit folk" perhaps as forty-year-olds+ who still have muscle tissue, or women as human beings, with brain cells, and, also, muscle tissue. I know I keep harping on this, but come on. I mean, fine, hold the fucking door open, but don't act like it is a "man's duty" to protect Mary Sue. Can I get a goddamn "Hallelujah"?
By the way, am I the only one who still posts in these "Dear Diary" blogs designed for pre-pubescent, emotionally messed-up kids? Oh, wait...
Talk to you later, Diary!
Love, your friend, Bitchy McAsshole | | |
| Summary of my summer (in order of importance/good times had):
Los Angeles (more specifically Manhatta Beach, a smaller "city" within LA):
- My uncle got my three siblings and me four first class tickets to
LA with a layover in Atlanta. From Atlanta to LA (a four hour flight)
Chris Rock sat one row and three seats over from me.
- Venice Beach
- Hollywood
- A tour of Sony Pictures Entertainment/Columbia Pictures studio
- LA Dodgers game
- Manhattan Beach Open (the biggest sand volleyball tournament in the world)
- The beach
Mackinac Island:
- Made worse by one day of the trip having severe vertigo
- Biking
Maryland:
Having to sleep in the Chicago airport by myself because all flights
out of Chicago that night were canceled due to severe weather (on the
way home from China):
- Priceless/expensive as hell because I ate myself into obesity
Waiting in a literally mile-long line at the Chicago airport service
desk for three hours until finally, with ten people in front of me, at
1:30 AM a son of a bitch goes to the counter and says all hotel and
flight accomodations are no longer available until the following day:
Sleeping:
Going to the bathroom:
Sleep deprivation:
Anything not listed
My trip to China
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| It's time for the summer update. Despite, or in spite of, my expressed
wishes to stay in Ann Arbor for most of the summer my mom has planned
probably the most "fun packed" summer of my life. And shit yes, i'm absolutely
complaining, but it's the summer before hell begins, and now i have to
start hell early.
Tomorrow morning (more appropriately called tonight) we'll be driving
twelve hours to get to Bowie, Maryland. My grandma is getting brain
surgery because she has a tumor growing on her skull. In a way i'm
excited because hopefully she'll be more functional now and she'll be
in less pain, but, and forgive me jesus for sounding so... much like a
bastard, but i'm not particularly excited about spending four days in
the hospital as she recovers. It's not that i'm one of those devil
children who gets depressed being around anyone aged 30+, but at
present my grandma isn't very responsive and can't communicate very
well. Oh well, hopefully this surgery will help her.
We're getting back from Maryland on Sunday. And starting from when my
mom (or brother?!) withdraws the keys from the ignition i'm going to
get a mop and bucket of water, and i'll be cleaning until tuesday
morning, at which time hell begins.
From tuesday until "no end in sight" i'll be in China. I realize that I
complained about this last summer before the trip and i somehow
returned seemingly enlightened and optimistic. So it seems like i
should be pretty enthusiastic about this trip, right? Well, to sum up
my feelings about china and the people in china...... i'm caucasian...
Damn, i almost fool myself sometimes. On a lighter note, my
grandpa will be celebrating his 80th birthday, so we'll probably
celebrate with some dumplings... just like every other day. The worst
news is, is that in honor of his birthday, my "aunt and uncle"
(my dad's side) are sending a "present" in the form of their
daughter/my cousin. Thus the "hell" reference.
The next segment of summer i'm a little more excited about. After
China, we'll be going to Los Angeles, California for two weeks. We'll
literally be going to LA a few hours after our plane arrives in
Detroit. But i don't really mind because after all, LA is in
california, california's in America, america's not china, so i have no
complaints. The reason for such a random trip is because my uncle
invited me and my three siblings out. I haven't seen
my two cousins in five-ten (not exactly sure of the date) years, so i'm
pretty excited AND i'm not being sarcastic.
The part of the summer i am most looking forward to is our trip to
Mackinac (?) Island. We went last year for three days and after nyc
it's probably my favorite place to be. I usually love ass-freezing
temperatures but on the island i actually enjoy the sunshine. The
temperature stays around 60 degrees, since it's right on the water and
there is never a cloud in the sky (at least for those three days). So
because all us kids petitioned for a more extended stay on the island,
my mom agreed to not a three day vay-cay (i hate you if you didn't
cringe) but a four d-v-c! So i'm excited.
And after all that i'll finally be returning home and i'll have time to
relax on the AATA bus ride to my first day of COLLEGE (: O.
I'm sorry to everyone that i haven't really made much of an effort to
contact this summer so far. I've been pretty busy preparing for these
voyages and, as you can see, complaining. Hopefully you'll all still be
around for a few hours or so when i get back from Mackinac Island
August 16th(?), i think. Or leave me your email address so that we can
communicate via those measly means. If i don't see you before you go
off to college, however near or far, have fun, and i'll see you, at the
latest, over winter break?
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| Well, I haven't updated in a while but I thought now would be an
appropriate time since it's the end of the third quarter of
12th grade, which means that high school has essentially ended.
I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, yes, it will be nice to
finally finish this chapter of formal and required education. And it
will be nice to get settled in college (down the street from my current
residence). But along with the less-than-desirable aspects entailed in
the "high school experience" are the equal and opposite aspects. High
school and all of the preparatory years leading up to high school can
really be consolidated into a single phase of life. I mean, there are
slight changes from elementary school to middle school, and then from
middle school to drugs and alcohol, but really most people turn
eighteen as a senior, thus associating the conclusion of high school
with the beginning of adulthood; both legally and, I believe, mentally.
And it really is true. Most of us (myself excluded) will be venturing
off into the world, far away from home, on our own, without the safety
and security of all the things with which we have become familiar. To
me, that's the most terrifying part. I mean, I have become so
accustomed to a pretty standard routine of waking up and going to
school (not necessarily in that order), coming home, sitting around,
napping, eating, napping, and then last, but not least, sleeping. It
doesn't sound very enthralling, probably because it isn't, but I 've
become so comfortable with that schedule, that I'm afraid college will
be a bitch slap in the face, metaphorically speaking, of course,
Catherine. I mean, how can everyone be so confident that he/she will
flourish in college? Because it's not like the workload isn't going to
be like that of humanities X a bitchload, and it's not like the more
nonchalant and less rigid structure of college is going to motivate us
more... I'm afraid that I'm going to stay consistent with my current
pattern of laziness and general apathy and die not
trying. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll suddenly realize, like I have been
trying to realize for the past 18 or so years, that I need to take my
life seriously. But I always tell myself and even try to force myself
to maintain my focus but somehow (to exemplify my absolute lack of
motivation) I end up STARING AT THE WALL instead of doing my homework.
As a result of such a pathetic mindset, I have sacrificed the chance to
attend the school of my wildest dreams. Oh well, at least I know how
many lady bugs live on my ceiling, right?
Ok, let me get back on track because my initial intent was not to tell
you how much I've screwed up. What I wanted to say is that I will miss
high school. I will miss seeing some of these people I have known since
elementary school, every day. And it's not even that I'm necessarily
friends with any or all of these people, but just the reassuring
guarantee of that familiarity. I mean, just right now. Take a look
around. Most of you are probably looking at the comfortable
surroundings of your humble abode (and Ajala, you're probably staring
at the librarian who is telling you that you're breathing too loudly).
I'm sitting here and I can hear Jay Leno in the background (on TV) and
my sister practicing her piano. And it's not even that I simply adore
listening to my sister playing scales or listening to Jay Leno's
attempt to crack some semblance of a joke (he's no Conan O'Brien) but
just... I don't know. You know what I'm trying to say. Well, this is
sufficiently long and excessively boring so I will spare all of you
reader(s). Just something on my mind... this entry is so incoherent and
I am so lazy that I am not going to attempt to reread this. I therefore
do not know exactly where the beginning of this entry was headed or if
it at all corresponds to the end. Thank God most of you fell asleep before this point.
Next update: When I fail out of college.
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